22 September, 2013

Sometimes you lose passion

There are projects that you pour your energy into, they may be small things, and once they're done you move on to new ideas. They may be collaborative efforts where you do your bit and then see the project move to someone else before seeing a final unveiling...maybe big events with a deadline where the energy has to reach a culmination otherwise you lose face.

But this post is not about those...

This post is about the big personal projects, some might call them heartbreakers, others might call them a "magnum opus". It's about the projects that have the creative vision of a single person behind them, and that single person pours their heart-and-soul into every aspect of it. The visionary looks at similar projects that other people have laboured on for years at a time, sometimes viewing their work as rubbish, occasionally wondering if people reciprocate this view.

The visionary looks at projects that are good, things that are certainly better than the crap which sell purely because it has a marketing department behind it. They consider the amount of effort going in compared to the rewards at the end.

Once the visionary thinks these negative thoughts enough times, they start to lose their enthusiasm.

It's one of the things that has taken Walkabout so long for me to complete. I struggle with depression, I struggle with my wife's depression (and keeping someone else active can be really hard when you're barely keeping yourself in a positive state). All the little things build up, you spend your time doing things for other people...things that have no bearing on your own direct happiness, but it's all just a part of living in a social environment. You put on a happy face because everyone says you project your emotions (and they don't want to know that you're struggling), they say that what you fashion as your image will become embodied in your soul...think happy thoughts and happiness will be attracted to you. But you've been trying to think happy thoughts for so long, and nothing has happened to benefit you, perhaps the adage of "opposites attract" becomes more reasonable as a theory. You stop thinking happy thoughts because they seem to get shattered all too often, they attract the worst events. You try to take some time out for yourself, to get to grips with what's going on, and people either see you as being selfish, or wait for you get get over your funk and rejoin with society.

Walkabout grows when I need something to engage in, but it drains my enthusiasm at the same time. I think there are some great things it is doing, but there only seem to be a scant few people who are really interested in it's progress. I don't want to give it up, because I've already thrown so much into it. I don't want to rush it, because I think it deserves better. I'm just at a loss for the whole project at the moment.

The current plan is to just keep plugging along...We'll see what happens before the year is out.


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